The Girl Who Cried at Disneyland (and other tales)

Yes, I am back. I went to Disneyland with 2 of my kidos and my sweet, adorable husband. It was an amazing, forever memorable time. And the best part, I think Blake is hooked....he is talking about the NEXT trip we will take there. OMGoodness!

So, I am sure you are all wondering about the title. Yes, I did cry at Disneyland, well, to be truthful, I cried a couple of times. The tear of joy kind of cry, the choking up type of cry when Cinderella hugs you and tells you happy birthday or when your daughter meets Belle for the first time. But I also cried the other type of cry. The pitch a fit, feel sorry for myself, mad at the universe cry...and it was over a churro and a frozen banana (the chocolate dipped kind).

It was Thursday, our second day in the park, and I had done a great job staying on my program, with the exception of a beer at the Medieval Times dinner we went to the night before. I had packed apples for me to eat as a treat, and I had bought fruit plates and salads. Then Blake decided to go on a hunt for a treat. You know, he just felt like something sweet and yummy. So...we look here, we look there, we see this and we see that, we peruse this goodie stand...nah, nothing he wants there. We go around the corner to check out a different section and voila, a churro. A long, deep fried, piece of bread, covered in sugar and cinnamon. "That's it", says Blake, "that's what I want."
The kids chime in, " Oh, get one for me, too, Daddy!"
"Sure!"
Meanwhile, behind me, I spy an ice cream cart....I look at the selections, thinking I will point out some other fine choices for Blake and the kids...They had a selection of Chocolate covered frozen treats. I saw a Mickey Mouse shaped ice cream bar, a strawberry ice cream bar, a Nestle Crunch bar, and low and behold...a frozen banana! Could it be? An actual piece of fruit? That is what I eat, right? Fruit. I eat lots of fruit. When others are eating churros, I am eating fruit. This was fruit. In fact, it was probably 90% fruit. Maybe even 97% fruit, right? It was brown...a nice, smooth, chocolate brown.
Oh...I could have a frozen banana! Surly, I could! I felt my heart race a little. I felt this dash of hope, glee and ecstasy...I was at Disneyland and magical wonderful things happen there, right? I could have this frozen CHOCOLATE covered banana! I turn to Blake and I say, "I think I could allow myself to have that frozen banana!"
"Oh...you mean that chocolate covered banana?", says Blake.
"Yah...", whispers Julie. Hoping Blake will say the right thing to help me make it all come true and validate my assessment of the situation.
With a shake of his head and a chuckle, Blake says, "I want nothing to do with THAT decision."
Silence.
Tears.
Anger.
Tears.
Big anger.
Confusion.
Crashing spirit.
That was not what I was hoping to hear and I am mad. At first, I thought I was mad at Blake. Afterall, we were at Disneyland, I had been doing so well for weeks and weeks, he could have said, "That sounds like a good compromise." or "Wow, Jules, you have been doing so well, if you think it won't throw you off your momentum, go ahead!"
Honestly, I don't know what I was wanting him to say...It really wasn't his issue. It was mine. A big moment of weakness. A moment of dishonesty with my own soul.
I had to turn away. I had to go off by myself alone and I am ashamed to say, I had to find a spot to cry in Disneyland. I just felt like it was so unfair. People all around me, ths skinny and the fat, were piggin out. "Enjoying" themselves at Disneyland...on vacation...why did I have to eat this #*$&Q?(*^$ apple? Blake came over to me, tried to see what was going on, I told him I just needed some time. He gave it to me, and when I was ready, I slid down the stairs and sat next to him and apologized and told him I was having a "moment" and I was better now.
Geesh! After being on this program for 6 full weeks, you would think I would have gotten over all the "stuff". It takes time, girls. It takes time.
By the way....Part of what helped me get out of the funk and understand that it wasn't Blake I was mad at, was looking at the chunky women passing by (and there were many to see). I kept saying to myself, "You are doing this so you don't end up with a chunky ass all your life. You don't want to waddle your way through the rest of your life! Buck up and stay with it or you will have their ass!"
Well, if you are still with me on this long post, I thank you. I need you guys, big time. It was my bday today and no one made me a cake. I am glad. Don't get me wrong...It is just another sign that I am in a new chapter of my life. I am rewriting the rules on what is normal. Normal for me is now fruit and no cake for my bday. Normal now for me is going to bed each night with no regrets and a pride that no pastry chef can whip up.
'nough said.