Jules, after my last wonderful post, talked about asking myself the deep questions.
She's right.
Why do I eat? Why do I overeat? The food- it isn't that good. Alot of times, after I eat it, I don't feel so hot. In fact, I feel kind of crappy. Both physically AND emotionally.
I am an emotional eater. I'm addicted to food as a way to numb pain the way an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol to numb pain. This is a very, very hard fact to face. It's difficult. Becuase you can't give up food the way you can abstain from alcohol. And in some ways I feel like this makes the addiction that much more complicated and frustrating.
Things have been going well for me. And I've been eating well. But I had a rough couple of weeks at work. I work in Foster Care, I'm a social worker. So when I say rough week, I don't mean that I had too much to do or that my coworkers sucked (although those things did happen.) Usually a rough week at work is rough emotionally because something difficult is going on with a child in foster care that I am dealing with.
On Thursday ( a week ago) it all came to a head and an end. And emotionally I crashed. That, couple with what I blogged about (on my other blog) tonight, have put me in something of an emotional crisis. And I am trying to eat my way out of it, apparently.
The problem is that when I'm eating crappy, it only makes me feel better temporarily. while I'm eating. Then that goes away and I'm left feeling worse because look at all the poor choices I made. Which just deepens the cycle of emotional food addiction.
The other thing is that for me, it's alot of work to eat well. It's alot of thinking, and planning, and making good choices. I tend naturally towards unhealthy food and laziness the way some people tend in the opposite direction naturally. So everytime I eat well, it's the result of thought, and some battle, and an intentioned decision. When things start getting more difficult emotionally, it's harder and harder to have the room and the energy to make the good choices, to deal with the whole journey AT ALL. And so I stop. I give up the first thing that I can, which is food. I just quit dealing with it. Those good choices, they do start coming easier after some time. I find myself wanting water and wanting healthy food. But it's just so easy to slip back.
Jules didn't say, "paige, tell us what the deep reasons are". But what's the point of being accountable if I can't be honest? If I can't say- THIS. This is why I eat, why I overeat, why I'm addicted. If I can't be honest, I have nowhere to go. If I can be honest, the next step is to continue working on it.
Tomorrow is a whole new day. Thank God.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Paige - I find that if you associate a new pleasure with the one you get from food, then its easier to change. For example, if you get rushes off other things?
Myself, sometimes I need to bang on my drums for about 10 minutes. I get a total rush of energy and my heart beats like crazy - my body and brain chemistry get another high and it keeps me from needing food (or whatever the addiction is).
Maybe you need to find a new 'drug' - meaning activity that gives you a payoff so that you're winning not losing and then winning, then losing?
Oh Paige,
I'm so there, so been there, so....You are not alone my friend. You describe the thoughts of many emotional eaters. Don't give up hope for a better future. Our journey must address the emotional (past experiences and current coping mechanisms), spiritual (we are hated by the enemy of God), and physical (a lifetime of poor choices/information cause real, physical addictions) reasons we eat. I have a tendancy to be out of balance at any given time, only addressing one or the other.
I reached my all time low a few weeks ago. I am not one to jump into anything, in fact dispite my lifelong struggles with weight, I have never been one to try diets. I did, however go to my library and check out a book by Karen Kingsbury called the PRISM weight loss program. Even if it isn't the program for you, it has wonderful information and true testimonies desribing the very things you feel and know in your heart, and it may help you get your mind around a complete, well rounded approach to your journey.
We are all pulling for you! Don't give up!
SueAnne
Paige, you are facing your monster. The cool thing...you are bigger than this monster. It's biggest fear was that you would face it. It is doomed.
Jules
and even cooler is that GOd is bigger than the monster too.
My name is Amy and I am addicted to food, (all repeat,"Hi Amy")
It is a daily struggle to not eat over my emotions. Pray Pray Pray and keep talking about it. We are pulling for you and praying for you.
I'm a former foster child, and I would love your insights on what foster care looks like from the social worker's point of view.
Please consider visiting my blog sometime.
In the meantime, I have a transitional idea for you. When I was 16 years old, I went through a two year period of "emotional eating."
These are the kind of things I did to trick myself with the external habit while I was working on the internal reasons I'd developed it:
1.) Switched from Coke to Diet Coke or iced tea.
2.) When I had the munchies, I'd scarf down lettuce or celery (negative calories).
In the meantime, I tried to think through a lot of the expectations I had of myself and to be proactive with the pressures I was going through.
Also:
3.) Emotional exercise: It feels fabulously great right after a strenous workout. Better than a sugar high.
Biking on the exercise bike and reading each night after work is a huge stress relief for me.
Post a Comment