How did I get so fat and not even really notice it? Weight gain is insidious. It is easy, it is fast and it is painless. In fact, it is a lot more painful to take it off than it ever was to put on even an ounce. Sure, as my body sat in front of the television digesting an enormous meal, I was a tad uncomfortable, but underneath that feeling of fullness was an almost orgasmic feeling of saity. A feeling of, "Oh, I ate good." It is obscene to think of the digestion of food in that manner, but it's true. I would look at food as if I was set on sexual conquest, the urge is that -- well, urgent.
Another thing that I think is, why didn't I see it clearly, how fat I was getting? Well, I would hide it. I didn't have full length mirrors. I didn't have many mirrors at all. I would dress in clothing that I felt would hide my size. Soon, however, size 3x was becomming to small. The shirts were too short to hide my ponderous hanging belly. The sweatpants were getting too tight, I had to cut their strings. Still, I had a mental picture of myself as I was when I was younger, thinner. Before the weight gain. I think of it as a reverse of the problem that a person with anorexia has. They are terribly thin, but see themselves as fat, bloated. I was the opposite.
Another thing that's scary is the percentage of people who relapse after major weight loss. Heck, even after minor weight loss. The estimates say that 95% of us will not keep the weight off. I can't even begin to tell you how scary that is. When I have worked this hard to get it off, the thought of it creeping back on my frame is so terrifying. I am sure that's why a lot of people don't even try in the first place. Why bother? It's just going to come back.
But it's not a cancerous tumor that I don't have control over. It is fat. I know how to lose it. I know how to gain it. I know that I need to be taking full body photos of myself on a regular basis. I have full length mirrors now and I need to keep looking at myself in them. I need to keep my scale out and when I get to where I am maintaining after having met my goal, I need to be on it regularly. Not to become vain, but to stay vigilant.
It's too easy to be fat.
4 comments:
Jan, I love the way you write. Your honesty and ability to stare straight at the facts and say that its worth the effort is exactly the thing that will keep you from ever going back to where you were.
Keeping a photo (or many) around of ourselves in our recent pasts (no matter what they resembled) is a great way to remind ourselves that forward is better.
I think its fascinating that you aligned food and sex. These are two urges I have little use for, and little compulsion to fulfill. Maybe that's why my 'fattitudes' aren't manifested on my body, but my lazy soul.
Very true!! You are doing great, keep it up.
I agree. It is very easy to get fat. I am also like you, and see myself as much thinner than I really am, even now. I almost didn't post a recent picture on my blog because I was unhappy with how fat my legs looked, but then I reminded myself that it's part of me being real, and if I can acknowledge that I still have 50 lbs to lose in order to meet my goal, then I have to realize that those pounds are visible to others, so I might as well face them myself.
I'm also afraid of regaining the weight, which is why it is so important to me to change my life, not just my diet. I know that the way I was living my whole life was the problem, not just what I was putting in my mouth.
Scary can sometimes be what gets us a movin in our lives. Thank God you got scared enough to face your health and walk the new path you are on!
Jules
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