Not So Good, This Week

While last week was a success, this week has been a flop. I haven't walked. I haven't eaten breakfast. I haven't been drinking my water or taking my vitamins. My period finally started yesterday, and this morning the scale has jumped FIVE pounds in the wrong direction. Shallow as it may seem, that's perhaps the most depressing thing of all. Why do I crash after a small success? I do it over and over again.

Part of the problem is I can't sleep when my period is about to start. When I recognize that this is happening I take Benedryl, just to get some rest. Antihistamines are one of those things that deplete serotonin, and I can really feel that the day after I take one. It's an excuse, though, because if I make myself get up and walk, that yucky Benedryl hangover dissipates. If I sit and do nothing it hangs on all day.

Something else is going on, though, and I've never been able to figure it out. I sabotage myself. I don't know why. Fear of commitment, fear of success, fear that I'm not worthy? Who knows?

I'm also trying really hard not to get sick, but my throat is sore, and I don't know if I can keep a cold at bay much longer. My husband was home sick for a couple of days this week. Blech.

Anyway, just wanted to disclose that all is not rainbows and fairy dust around here, and that I'm still struggling but not giving up. I probably won't walk today. I feel like crap, and I have a busy day ahead to get through. All I feel like doing is staying in bed all day with a good book, but I have to run kids around and other stuff.