Quote of the day, maybe the year....

Blake(arms wrapped around Jules in the kitchen): "Hmmm...we got to get together, girl..."

Jules: "Too late, Dude, Aunt Flo came to town. Feels like you haven't touched me all month!"

Riley, our 9 yo son, casually walking by us: "That's not true!"

Blake and Jule's necks snap in response.

Riley: "I saw you guys give high fives to each other just last night!"

Cha!!!

Activity Check

After getting up at six to take my mom to the airport at the close of her visit and driving to/from Alderwood mall to spend a little time with a friend from out of state, I was pretty tired.

I tried to go to the barn, but was too exhausted and the trainer had other plans so I got a reprieve. My DH said he'd pick up my daughter after school so I laid down. It was approximately 2 in the afternoon.

It was nine pm when I woke.

This am, I got my happy butt out of bed and went to the barn. I groomed 3 horses and tacked up one. Rather than taking a lesson (which was supposed to be this morning) I went home and quickly vacuumed the house before the baby arrived. She's sleeping now, and I'm making myself be still.

I am uncomfortable, but happy that I got the barn work done. Fibromyalgia steals a lot of my energy and sometimes I just want to scream. Rather than screaming though, I'll play the drums. Once the baby wakes up, that is :-)

Reminder for New Year's Revolution

Ladies, this Saturday, Feb. 2nd, we're coming together at the Northgate mall Red Robin at noon. It's a good thing that I spoke to Jules last night, because I had it in my mind that it was actually the 9th! But alas, no, it is indeed THIS Saturday. As in, the DAY AFTER TOMMORROW. : )
Who is still in? Hope to see many of you there!
Mucho love!
Kristina

Not So Good, This Week

While last week was a success, this week has been a flop. I haven't walked. I haven't eaten breakfast. I haven't been drinking my water or taking my vitamins. My period finally started yesterday, and this morning the scale has jumped FIVE pounds in the wrong direction. Shallow as it may seem, that's perhaps the most depressing thing of all. Why do I crash after a small success? I do it over and over again.

Part of the problem is I can't sleep when my period is about to start. When I recognize that this is happening I take Benedryl, just to get some rest. Antihistamines are one of those things that deplete serotonin, and I can really feel that the day after I take one. It's an excuse, though, because if I make myself get up and walk, that yucky Benedryl hangover dissipates. If I sit and do nothing it hangs on all day.

Something else is going on, though, and I've never been able to figure it out. I sabotage myself. I don't know why. Fear of commitment, fear of success, fear that I'm not worthy? Who knows?

I'm also trying really hard not to get sick, but my throat is sore, and I don't know if I can keep a cold at bay much longer. My husband was home sick for a couple of days this week. Blech.

Anyway, just wanted to disclose that all is not rainbows and fairy dust around here, and that I'm still struggling but not giving up. I probably won't walk today. I feel like crap, and I have a busy day ahead to get through. All I feel like doing is staying in bed all day with a good book, but I have to run kids around and other stuff.

Just came back...

from the barn and am fresh out of the shower. My face is still reddish with effort and flushed with the steam heat. I feel tired, happy and that I've already got this day licked, and it isn't even NOON YET!

What are you ladies doing today?

How are you going to kick today's BUTT???

Jan inspired me...agian!

Thank you, Jan, for inspiring me. I started my fitness journal today at fitday.com. I even set a new goal for my weight loss. I might adjust things as I go, but for now, I have a direction and a plan! Here we go again!

PS, it would help me be more faithful if I could rope some of you gals into posting there, too.

Jules

Did I Mention That I Hurt?

This morning, I feel like I was hit by a Mack truck - but yesterday was fantastic. I ran my first half marathon in 2:14.50 - a full 9 minutes faster than I figured I would. After a few more ice packs, some ibuprofen and a massage, I think I'll register for another one.


I am sore (okay, REALLY sore) but happy. What a great feeling!


Update: I've called in the cavalry and gotten a massage appointment for this evening after work. And it looks like I will try to run my next half marathon in 2 weeks (!) so that a friend from my training class won't have to run it solo. I get the vague feeling that this might be a little crazy.

How's My Week Going?

I'm doing alright. I'm really kind of tired, don't know if that's because it's PMS week, or just because it does take a little extra effort to exercise and eat several small meals every day. I do know that this PMS week has been so much better than it was last month. In fact, it's only the calendar telling me it's PMS week because I don't have any other signs except for trouble sleeping.

I've walked every day except one this week. On that day I did some strength training, so I didn't blow off exercise completely.

I've lost a pound and a half since this time last week. I think that jump in the scale was just the extra tacos on Tuesday night. Ha!

So, my plan definitely deserves another week.

I feel beautiful. Me AND my muscular size 10 buttocks!!

"Girl, you got a FINE A**"

that's the real quote of the week....Kris :-)

An Apology Out of the Blue (from the wrong person)

Ladies, please tell me what you think about this.

Several years ago (5ish), I dated this guy who was, and there really is no other more polite way to say this, a shit. He was personable and good looking, but he was one of those people who thought way too well of themselves, was very judgmental of other people, and could not understand why someone might not be appreciative if he pointed out what he thought to be their flaws and then told them how they ought to go about fixing themselves.

For example, he used to routinely tell me "you'd feel better if you lost weight" (or about a dozen variations thereon) when I neither felt bad nor when my weight was the legitimate topic of conversation. When finally I had had enough of this and told him that I neither needed his commentary nor welcomed it, he couldn't understand why or how he had hurt my feelings. Then he held it against me whenever he brought it up again because he felt I was being irrational. This wasn't the only problem, but for whatever reason the whole thing dragged on WAY too long.*

*And for laughs, I'll include the last part - when I finally told him it was over and I was out, he was SO FAR offbase that he produced a ring he had purchased a few weeks prior with which he intended to propose. He just couldn't fathom that someone wouldn't want him.

If I were significantly overweight, I might be able to maybe just a teensy bit and totally grudgingly understand (if not accept) such commentary, but my BMI has never been more than 10 pounds outside of my target range. Ever. But anyway, it ended and I felt so relieved and went on to date truly wonderful men who thought and think that I am way too good for them and I didn't give this guy much thought after that.

But today at lunch I got an email from his brother in law out of state. I met the BIL several times and we got along well and he was a really nice guy and friends with the former boyfriend but I haven't heard from BIL since I left, years ago. The email said that they had gotten in a fight last year and hadn't spoken since and while he was angry, he thought about some of the things he really didn't like about my ex-boyfriend, and I came up. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time and that he couldn't shake that he owed me an apology for not standing up to his friend when he saw how I was being treated because he knew the boyfriend was being entirely an ass and that I was fine just as I was.

I told him that I appreciated the sentiment and that it wasn't his responsibility to make things better at the time, but I'm a little taken aback by the apology.

This is so coincidental after Kristina's post yesterday, but this has gotten me thinking about the effect of some of the lousy things people have said to me about my weight/figure/body:

1) I have seized on the parts of my body that I do love - like my eyes, my collarbones, my waist, my athletic build.

2) I have learned to value the parts of me that are not on the outside all the more. If someone is going to imply that they don't like how you look, you find yourself listing the other reasons why they must like you. Because I'm bright, I laugh easily, I have a really diverse range of interest, I am comfortable with who I am, and on occasion I can be witty.

3) I have learned to shrug off people who make discouraging or disparaging comments. Just reminding yourself that you are worth being loved even if people make comments like that make it so much easier to shrug off the same comments if they happen again.

4) I've learned that, no matter what the basis, the problem is seldom with me, but with whoever has made the comment. I can be angry, but I refuse to take someone else's problems personally.

5) I have learned that the people who make such comments either completely fail to realize how hurtful they're being, or they realize exactly how hurtful they're being (which heads back to number 4).

So I don't see an apology by the brother in law to be necessary. I am fine with who I am and, if anything, the ex-boyfriend's comments just made me love myself more, just as I am.

Quote of the week!

You gals are gonna love this one! Talk about fuel for the fire. Yesterday, my mother, bless her heart, asked me this;" Have you gained weight?... because your butt looks wider."
I've already worked out this morning, but it looks like tonight I'm going back. To run my ass off.

You know, half of me wants to not eat anything, or very little, because of her comment. And then the other half wants to gorge. All I know is that it made me angry, and hurt, and want to sweat like crazy at the gym.

Jennifer, how ya doin?

Hey girl, its been a couple of days since your post.

How are you feeling????

If Mr Bill can resist....

you can too - just say NO to bad food and self defeating behavior!

You may be surprised at making a new friend - YOURSELF!

Why I Should Admit My Weight; Or Not.

This weekend, I should have run as a fat girl. When you run a race, they frequently have "Athena" and "Clydesdale" divisions for people of a certain weight - for women it's usually 150 lbs., for men 190 lbs. Now, I'm 5'10" and at a weight of 150, people start wanting to feed me more and begin to subtly inquire as to whether I am eating enough or perhaps might have a problem. (Although, best thing someone said to me was on New Year's Day when a skinny woman that I run with was absolutely stunned when I told her that I qualified as Athena because she thought that I weighed well under the 150 cut-off; HAH!)

But even though I more than qualify for the Athena category, I very seldom register for races (okay, I've never registered for a race) in that class. Part of it is because I would like to be measured and ranked against my age group, not among people who might otherwise be considered limited by their physical condition (i.e., weight). The other part is simply not wanting to break down and be labeled heavy in the results lists.

For the record, however, this weekend I set a personal record for the 5K, knocked 3 minutes off my previous best time, and placed 15th out of 68 runners in my age group. If I had been running as an Athena, however, I would have won. That weighs on me a little since part of me hates the idea of embracing the idea of accepting being heavy as a normal part of who I am; on the other hand, look at what I would have accomplished - I would have run against people in similar condition carrying a similar weight and I would have gone home with the award.

I'm a little torn between wanting to be proud of what I would have accomplished had I owned up to my weight, and being proud of the fact that I deliberately choose not to accept "Clydesdale" or "Athena" as my primary description. It's a strange feeling.

It's going to be a good week for me

Yes, it is going to be a good week for me! I am going to see my sister Monday and on Wednesday I am going to drive my Auntie down to Oregon to see her newest great granddaughter. We will stay for a few days and I will have some down time. Or some 'different' time.

I am going to eat well.

I am going to drink water, the right amount.

I am going to talk nicely to myself.

I am going to write down my food.

I am going to walk.

Love you all. Jules

Update, A New Plan, and Pictures

I won't say I'm depressed. Instead I'll say that I recognize several signs and symptoms in myself indicating that my serotonin levels are quite low. I choose to say it that way because it reminds me that there are a lot of things I can do that will encourage serotonin production in my body and that I'm not a helpless victim because there are also a lot of things I'm doing to deplete serotonin and I can change that.

For example, after just three days of walking in a row there is a noticeable improvement in my mood and energy levels, but I've been really complacent when it comes to exercise lately. I've also noticed that when I remember to take my B vitamins I feel better, but I never take them. Eating nutrition dense foods also helps. I just have to make myself do these things.

Depression is such an insidious cycle. You don't do the things you need to do because you feel depressed and you feel depressed because you aren't doing the things you need to do to feel better. However, I need to remember that at any point I can break the cycle and reverse it.

Another thing that is depleting my serotonin is my weekends spent at the karaoke bar, well, not the time spent there so much as the alcohol consumed while I'm there. Turning forty seems to have tripped some party animal switch in me. Well, I've been doing some research, and I've discovered that while alcohol will give one a short term serotonin boost it actually depletes serotonin levels in the long run. That would explain why I tend to drink more during this time of year. I'm trying to medicate myself. AND that explains why I don't feel like doing anything on Monday morning, which can carry over to the whole week if I don't force myself to get moving.

For the last two weeks I've been afraid to get on the scale. I've been feeling fatter, whatever that feels like. My clothes seemed tighter and things seemed flabbier, but I weighed myself yesterday and my weight is the same. Whew. BUT I think perhaps some of the muscle I built training for the walk is being replaced by fat. I need to put a stop to that. So, I have a plan.

Tonight I am going to make a menu for myself planning all of my meals and snacks for the week. I am also committing to walking 30 minutes each day. I'm going to try not drinking when I go sing next weekend. (What a concept, eh?) I'll admit that will be hard for me, but it's the right thing for me to do for myself. I'm going to take my B vitamins with breakfast each day, and I'll report back to you all next Sunday and let you know how I did, and how I feel about it. Deal?

Here are a couple of pictures of me in my natural (party animal) habitat:

Oh hey, that's the shirt I bought when I was out shopping with some of you girls!

Shooting tequila after dancing to "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off."

I'm Still Alive!

I have been absent from this blog and mine for awhile. Life gets away from you fast. With the holidays and having both of my kids birthday's, we have been busy.

I have made it to the gym 12 times this year. I am taking the classes that are offered and it feels great. I have never been able to do any of the classes until now. And they are addicting. I even did the hour and a half boot camp. It feels good to have my muscles feel sore and know that I am changing my body.
I have been on a plateau for the last 2 weeks, but I think I am headed down again. I have to tell myself that plateaus are good for you. First, it makes you think and make sure that you are staying on track. Second, it gives your body a chance to adjust to the new weight. Third, they really suck.

I hope all is well with all of you and keep on inspiring me! Thanks.

With a chance of showers...

I'm getting ready to go up to the mountain to snowboard. Wish me luck, strength, fun and safety!