Update, A New Plan, and Pictures

I won't say I'm depressed. Instead I'll say that I recognize several signs and symptoms in myself indicating that my serotonin levels are quite low. I choose to say it that way because it reminds me that there are a lot of things I can do that will encourage serotonin production in my body and that I'm not a helpless victim because there are also a lot of things I'm doing to deplete serotonin and I can change that.

For example, after just three days of walking in a row there is a noticeable improvement in my mood and energy levels, but I've been really complacent when it comes to exercise lately. I've also noticed that when I remember to take my B vitamins I feel better, but I never take them. Eating nutrition dense foods also helps. I just have to make myself do these things.

Depression is such an insidious cycle. You don't do the things you need to do because you feel depressed and you feel depressed because you aren't doing the things you need to do to feel better. However, I need to remember that at any point I can break the cycle and reverse it.

Another thing that is depleting my serotonin is my weekends spent at the karaoke bar, well, not the time spent there so much as the alcohol consumed while I'm there. Turning forty seems to have tripped some party animal switch in me. Well, I've been doing some research, and I've discovered that while alcohol will give one a short term serotonin boost it actually depletes serotonin levels in the long run. That would explain why I tend to drink more during this time of year. I'm trying to medicate myself. AND that explains why I don't feel like doing anything on Monday morning, which can carry over to the whole week if I don't force myself to get moving.

For the last two weeks I've been afraid to get on the scale. I've been feeling fatter, whatever that feels like. My clothes seemed tighter and things seemed flabbier, but I weighed myself yesterday and my weight is the same. Whew. BUT I think perhaps some of the muscle I built training for the walk is being replaced by fat. I need to put a stop to that. So, I have a plan.

Tonight I am going to make a menu for myself planning all of my meals and snacks for the week. I am also committing to walking 30 minutes each day. I'm going to try not drinking when I go sing next weekend. (What a concept, eh?) I'll admit that will be hard for me, but it's the right thing for me to do for myself. I'm going to take my B vitamins with breakfast each day, and I'll report back to you all next Sunday and let you know how I did, and how I feel about it. Deal?

Here are a couple of pictures of me in my natural (party animal) habitat:

Oh hey, that's the shirt I bought when I was out shopping with some of you girls!

Shooting tequila after dancing to "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off."

What exactly are we calling "maintaining?"

I need to know!

Because that was my challenge, to maintain over the holidays. And last night I found out the damage from the last two weeks (since my WW meeting is on Thursday, we didn't meet last week.)

I gained half a pound over the last two weeks! I'm now at an even 157, which means an even 80 pounds lost.

So, that's what I'm asking - does less than a pound gained count as maintaining? And does it make a difference if I tell you that it's my "time" this week?

If this doesn't count, just let me know - I won't be upset!

Oh, and one more thing: here is a picture of our office staff from December 2004. That's me on the right.



I found it while I was getting out my Christmas decorations last week. Could I have taken a less flattering pose?

And this was taken here with a tour group about two weeks ago. It's not the best picture, but you get the general idea:



And, in retrospect, I guess half a pound isn't bad, considering that I was served a holiday meal no fewer than five times within the space of a week!

Holiday checkin

Well, here I am. Trying, like the rest of us, to not only survive, but THRIVE over the holiday season.

(I gained 1.5 pounds the week after I got to my 80 lb. mini-goal, possibly due to water weight, but I've lost that again and am back down to 156.5.)

After we all posted our challenges, I felt pretty silly. Maintenance? That's not very exciting! But considering how much most people gain during these six or so weeks, I guess maintenance is pretty important.

Now for my strategy.

1. I'm wearing my, um, tightest pants. Yes, they fit. Just. I picked up a pair of size 10 (size 10!) Liz Claiborne (Liz Claiborne!) pants at the Goodwill about a month back for $4.50. ($4.50! Score!) They just barely fit, and I figure that if I wear them I'll be less likely to over eat.

2. I'm going to Cracker Barrel for lunch. Yes, I am. We're traveling to my MIL's in Georgia, and we can't leave until Thursday morning because I have to work Wednesday. We're stopping for lunch on the way. How is that a strategy, you ask? Simple. I don't have to cook, so I won't be snatching a bite here and there as I do. And I can't just get as much as I want on my plate, so my portions are (relatively) controlled. And, I won't have leftovers hanging around to tempt me.

That night when we get to GA, I can resist the leftovers that will be there, because of the superiority of my lunch meal.

(Oh, did I mention that my MIL, a naturally thin person, is not only very critical of people who are overweight, she also has not one stitch of healthy food around? And that I have to bring my own stash, down to a granola bar to take to breakfast because she eats at Popeye's every morning and there's not a healthy thing on the menu there?)

3. I'm going to be extra-special good on the other meals, so that I can enjoy smaller portions of the foods I only eat once a year when the time comes. Like yesterday, I had some Progresso Light soup for breakfast, because we had an office Thanksgiving lunch. I had a small portion of the hen and dressing for lunch, and loaded up on green beans, and bypassed the mac and cheese all together. And then for dinner, I had a cup of hot and sour soup, which is really better for you (minus the sodium) than you'd think.

I also have a strategy for on-the-road snacking - I pack a separate small cooler full of veggies. And we take individual bags of baked chips for when we want something salty or crunchy.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make myself a cup of green tea.

More on Stress Eating and Sleep

Oh yeah, I'm stuck in a little stress eating cycle myself. My sleep cycle is all out of whack again. (That happens to me SO easily.) When I don't sleep I get very sluggish and I eat a lot more, don't we all?

I have to get my sleep back on track. I think I have just enough pills left from my last long lasting bout of insomnia to get me back on track. They aren't exactly sleeping pills, they're actually antidepressants (amitriptyline) that have the beneficial side effect of causing drowsiness. They also have the side effect of causing extreme weight gain, but I always lose weight when I take them because just getting a good night's sleep after struggling to do so makes me feel so much better.

Before I start taking the pills I'm going to try really hard to set my alarm and get out of bed by 8 A.M., even if I didn't sleep a wink all night. Eventually I have to sleep, right? I'm going to keep exercising. I haven't been walking, but I've been playing DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) with my kids. I make them give me a whole half hour before they start saying, "Can I have a turn now?" It's a whole lot more fun than walking on a treadmill and I think maybe an even better workout. Sometimes I hold 5 pound hand weights while I "dance".

If that doesn't get me back on track I'm going to take my little green sleepy pills for a month.

Thankfully, my weight has held steady months, but I would like to start moving toward my goal weight again even though I feel pretty good about myself just the way I am. Another 40 pounds gone would be pretty awesome.

Do you miss things?

I was working today, taking pictures in some of the shops in our town's downtown area for a "holiday gift guide" I'm working on. (It's connected with the holiday open house, which is in two weeks! Earlier every year, you know. But I digress.)

I went into one (very upscale) dress shop, and the owner stopped me. She's one of the ladies from my Weight Watchers group, and she was telling her employee (we were the only three in the shop) all about my weight loss.

I was in there for about half an hour, talking to them about making better food choices. Giving them examples of how to eat healthy when you're faced with challenges, like taking a 6-year-old to McDonald's. (And also making sure to eat enough, beacause this shop owner is only eating about half the food she needs to each day! She is, of course, not losing well, probably because her body thinks it's starving.)

The employee said, "I guess after two years of doing this, all that other food doesn't even bother you anymore. I bet you don't even want it."

I told her that yes, it does bother me, and I do want it, but that I've learned to indulge occasionally - that's the key word - and then move on with my life.

We wouldn't be human if we didn't crave at least some of those things that brought us pleasure at least some of the time. But if we're going to be healthy, we have to learn that we can't continue to eat that way every day (like I did before.)

I was reminded of this conversation just now, as I was watching a commercial for Burger King and their Whoppers. And I remembered how much I loved those giant burgers.

And then I remembered how their low price (99 cents at the time) and easy accessability contributed to my 30 lb. weight gain during my freshman year of college.

So, do I miss Whoppers? Of course! But now, if I crave that flame-broiled taste once in a while, I get a Whopper Junior. It sounds so "old fashioned," but moderation and portion control can go a long way towards a healthier lifestyle!

What, if anything do you miss? And what concessions have you made to satisfy those cravings? Because, seriously, I can't say I'm never going to eat a Burger King hamburger again. But I can make the choice to 1. do it only occassionally, and 2. find a way to get that taste in a more reasonable portion.

Rough Reentry - A Little Rant

Does anyone else have a hard time getting back into their groove after a vacation? Beside the fact that it was really nice going out to eat for every meal and having whatever titillated my little taste buds, and beside the fact that I returned to a house full of junk food because the first thing grandma did for the kiddies when Mike and I left was take them to the store to pick out whatever food they wanted, and beside the fact that I returned to a Northwest Fall in full swing complete with torrential downpour, I've caught a cold from my houseful of sickies.

Being sick is a major eating trigger for me. When I'm sick I feel that I deserve to eat whatever comfort food my brain can conjure. I can't blame the newest influx of junk food on my mom because last night when I went to the grocery store, both sick and hungry, you should have seen what I loaded into my cart. It was shameful, really: wasabi almonds, garlic and herb cheese with crackers, a bottle of wine, pizza rolls (for the kids, of course. Yeah, right.), frozen chimichangas (for the chiiiildren), and two cartons of ice cream (buy one get one free, what can ya do?)

Also, the antihistamines I'm taking have put me in a chemically induced state of depression. I'm behaving and feeling exactly how I felt at my most depressed, minus the crying jags and fits of rage. I'm staying in bed till nearly noon because I'm so tired and I can't figure out what to do with myself, and when I get up I stay in my pajamas all day and sit in front of the computer. The good news is that the six pounds I gained on vacation are gone. The bad news is that I suspect that is due to dehydration.

So, what do you all do to get back on track when either illness or vacation, or in my case, both, throws you off?

Costco Cookie Conundrum

This weekend was marked by one bad decision after another, and I'm still feeling hungover from the sugar I ate yesterday. Oh, it could be the Benedryl I took last night. I'll bet that's it. Anyway, I missed my big training walk after being up all night with a sick child, felt bad about that, had 3 glasses of wine Saturday night, woke up feeling like doing nothing. Big surprise, huh? Then I met my walking teammates for lunch on Sunday, had soup and salad and water. (Yay me! Trying to remember to give myself credit.)

After lunch I stopped at Costco for a few groceries. I was at the front, almost had gotten to the checkout line, and I TURNED AROUND and headed for the bakery section. I didn't even bother rationalizing the cookies I bought, instead I just told myself I WANT ONE. I did tell myself I'd only have one. Ha! I didn't even keep track of how many I ate. Then I had nachos for dinner. I didn't drink enough water for the rest of the day either.

So what went wrong? I missed my training walk and did have negative thoughts like I'm not going to be ready for this walk. Next week's training walk is going to be really hard now. My husband brought home beer, which always leads me to ask, "Did you bring me some wine?" Well, he had, but he left it out in the car. He was trying to cover his bases. Cheeky devil. Do you see why I didn't ask him to be my diet coach? Ha!

After drinking wine, I always feel sort of out of it the next day. It's almost like I'm mildly depressed again. I think it must deplete serotonin or something. That's my theory anyway. So, at Costco I was tired and sort of out of it, and that led to the cookie purchase. After eating one cookie I think I had some version of the well, now I might as well just blow the whole day negative thought process going on.

Here I am on Monday trying to get back on track. I need a way to deal with fatigue and stress that doesn't lead to eating or drinking alcohol. And today I need a way to get motivated and back on track.

A Few Challenges

My weight is down another pound since Thursday. I'm really hoping I don't undo that. My first challenge was early last night. I remembered I had nothing to take along on my 12 mile training walk so I asked my husband to run out and get me some power bars and wheat thins. (I remembered another walker eating wheat thins on one of our walks.)

Well, having a box of "munchies" in the house presented a challenge and I think I had three or four unplanned handfuls of those. So, no more munchies for training walks. Either that or I need to have an individual serving package or something.

My next challenge this weekend is that I didn't go on my training walk because my 8 year old was up puking all night. Now I'm sitting here thinking I need to at least get a few miles in, but walking alone is easier to blow off than meeting with friends, and that's what I'm doing. I'm blowing it off minute by minute. I'm really having a tough time getting myself moving today. So, I'm going to get off the computer, read a bit of my book, which I just realized I've ignored for the last 2 days. (Need to work on consistency)

Now I'm going to spend a few minutes giving myself credit for what I have done well the last few days. I've made some really good food choices. I've been eating breakfast, whole grains, adding veggies and fruit, drinking plenty of water. I started my period and didn't binge once. I ended a plateau by losing weight last week, and some more over the last few days. I resisted those pink frosted sugar cookies that my mom had over at her house, even though I love those, even though I was really hungry, and I'm not sorry I didn't have them. In fact, I had completely rationalized that having one wouldn't be so bad. They are only 210 calories (per serving? Is giant cookie more than 1 serving? I didn't even look at that.) I'll eat a lighter lunch. Yada yada yada. But still, I recognized the rationalization for what it was and didn't have a cookie. I decluttered my closet and my dresser drawers so I have no more fat clothes, nor do I have any more clothes that are more than 1 size too small. When I get smaller it will be my joy and pleasure to buy more clothes!

Okay, that's it for today's coaching session. I'm off to do some reading and search for the motivation to get walking.