Hey, Remember Me?

Hi, y'all! Man, it's been a long time since I checked in. Sorry about that. This is because I've been acting like someone who wants to weigh 250 pounds again. Ha!

Seriously, though, after months of not getting on the scale and basically eating and drinking whatever I want and not exercising, I've faced the music and my fear, and weighed myself. I've gained 15 pounds. Ugh.

I want to lose ten of those before July. I'm NOT going to accomplish that by eating Chinese food at the karaoke bar two times a week and ordering pizza one or two times a week. Unfortunately, I can't say that I'm feeling strong enough to change my ways.

I HATE having to watch what I eat. I HATE being fat more, but when I'm watching what I eat, that's in my face every day, several times a day. I can deny my fat and only face it when I realize I can't wear a certain pair of jeans anymore. So, it's easier to deny fat and keep getting fatter than it is to do something about it.

I know you all know that, though. I'm just expressing it, and trying to talk myself into getting excited about trying to lose weight again. It's time. I need to do it before I gain it all back. That would really suck, huh?

Depression, Sleep Issues

After logging my calorie intake and activities at fitday.com for a week the scale has calmed down a bit, but my weight is still a little higher than normal.

My sleep is completely out of whack, and I'm ready to face the fact that my depression is deepening again. I've made an appointment with my doctor for next week to discuss it. In the meantime, I have some medication left over from last year that was prescribed by a sleep specialist. It's an anti-depressant that has the added benefit of causing sedation. It's the thing that works best for me, and I've taken it in the past so I'm comfortable with the effects and dosage. I only have about a month's worth of it, so I expect my doctor to just write me a prescription for more of that.

I think once I'm sleeping again everything else will fall into place, as has been the case in the past.

Not So Good, This Week

While last week was a success, this week has been a flop. I haven't walked. I haven't eaten breakfast. I haven't been drinking my water or taking my vitamins. My period finally started yesterday, and this morning the scale has jumped FIVE pounds in the wrong direction. Shallow as it may seem, that's perhaps the most depressing thing of all. Why do I crash after a small success? I do it over and over again.

Part of the problem is I can't sleep when my period is about to start. When I recognize that this is happening I take Benedryl, just to get some rest. Antihistamines are one of those things that deplete serotonin, and I can really feel that the day after I take one. It's an excuse, though, because if I make myself get up and walk, that yucky Benedryl hangover dissipates. If I sit and do nothing it hangs on all day.

Something else is going on, though, and I've never been able to figure it out. I sabotage myself. I don't know why. Fear of commitment, fear of success, fear that I'm not worthy? Who knows?

I'm also trying really hard not to get sick, but my throat is sore, and I don't know if I can keep a cold at bay much longer. My husband was home sick for a couple of days this week. Blech.

Anyway, just wanted to disclose that all is not rainbows and fairy dust around here, and that I'm still struggling but not giving up. I probably won't walk today. I feel like crap, and I have a busy day ahead to get through. All I feel like doing is staying in bed all day with a good book, but I have to run kids around and other stuff.

How's My Week Going?

I'm doing alright. I'm really kind of tired, don't know if that's because it's PMS week, or just because it does take a little extra effort to exercise and eat several small meals every day. I do know that this PMS week has been so much better than it was last month. In fact, it's only the calendar telling me it's PMS week because I don't have any other signs except for trouble sleeping.

I've walked every day except one this week. On that day I did some strength training, so I didn't blow off exercise completely.

I've lost a pound and a half since this time last week. I think that jump in the scale was just the extra tacos on Tuesday night. Ha!

So, my plan definitely deserves another week.

Update, A New Plan, and Pictures

I won't say I'm depressed. Instead I'll say that I recognize several signs and symptoms in myself indicating that my serotonin levels are quite low. I choose to say it that way because it reminds me that there are a lot of things I can do that will encourage serotonin production in my body and that I'm not a helpless victim because there are also a lot of things I'm doing to deplete serotonin and I can change that.

For example, after just three days of walking in a row there is a noticeable improvement in my mood and energy levels, but I've been really complacent when it comes to exercise lately. I've also noticed that when I remember to take my B vitamins I feel better, but I never take them. Eating nutrition dense foods also helps. I just have to make myself do these things.

Depression is such an insidious cycle. You don't do the things you need to do because you feel depressed and you feel depressed because you aren't doing the things you need to do to feel better. However, I need to remember that at any point I can break the cycle and reverse it.

Another thing that is depleting my serotonin is my weekends spent at the karaoke bar, well, not the time spent there so much as the alcohol consumed while I'm there. Turning forty seems to have tripped some party animal switch in me. Well, I've been doing some research, and I've discovered that while alcohol will give one a short term serotonin boost it actually depletes serotonin levels in the long run. That would explain why I tend to drink more during this time of year. I'm trying to medicate myself. AND that explains why I don't feel like doing anything on Monday morning, which can carry over to the whole week if I don't force myself to get moving.

For the last two weeks I've been afraid to get on the scale. I've been feeling fatter, whatever that feels like. My clothes seemed tighter and things seemed flabbier, but I weighed myself yesterday and my weight is the same. Whew. BUT I think perhaps some of the muscle I built training for the walk is being replaced by fat. I need to put a stop to that. So, I have a plan.

Tonight I am going to make a menu for myself planning all of my meals and snacks for the week. I am also committing to walking 30 minutes each day. I'm going to try not drinking when I go sing next weekend. (What a concept, eh?) I'll admit that will be hard for me, but it's the right thing for me to do for myself. I'm going to take my B vitamins with breakfast each day, and I'll report back to you all next Sunday and let you know how I did, and how I feel about it. Deal?

Here are a couple of pictures of me in my natural (party animal) habitat:

Oh hey, that's the shirt I bought when I was out shopping with some of you girls!

Shooting tequila after dancing to "Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off."

What exactly are we calling "maintaining?"

I need to know!

Because that was my challenge, to maintain over the holidays. And last night I found out the damage from the last two weeks (since my WW meeting is on Thursday, we didn't meet last week.)

I gained half a pound over the last two weeks! I'm now at an even 157, which means an even 80 pounds lost.

So, that's what I'm asking - does less than a pound gained count as maintaining? And does it make a difference if I tell you that it's my "time" this week?

If this doesn't count, just let me know - I won't be upset!

Oh, and one more thing: here is a picture of our office staff from December 2004. That's me on the right.



I found it while I was getting out my Christmas decorations last week. Could I have taken a less flattering pose?

And this was taken here with a tour group about two weeks ago. It's not the best picture, but you get the general idea:



And, in retrospect, I guess half a pound isn't bad, considering that I was served a holiday meal no fewer than five times within the space of a week!

The Oregon Coast is Fattening!

We're back from our trip to the Oregon Coast where we celebrated our 20th anniversary. We had a wonderful time with lots of rich food and tasty local wines. All that showed up on the scale to the tune of six pounds upon returning home! We did A LOT of walking, but not enough to counteract the food and drink I guess. Back to the old routine tomorrow!

Checking In

I didn't lose any weight at all last week, and this week I'm only down 1 pound so far. I think the heat and my allergies are bringing me down a bit, so I may have to get used to the idea of pushing back my goal to leave the 200's behind by the end of June. That's okay, losing a little every week is still good, and I can live with an occasional week with no loss as long as it doesn't become a trend.
This is a picture of me heading out to a fund raiser yesterday. This is our team T-shirt. I'm writing the names of people I've been asked to remember and pray for while I'm walking, along with one who was a friend of mine.

Missing some of you.

Hello crew. I am missing reading posts and comments from some of my favorite women....how we all doing? Lets have a roll call:

1. name

2. current weight or current "place" you are at

3. ultimate goal

4. short term goal

5. strategies to get there

6. biggest inspiration

7. biggest "trigger" to the old ways

8. best complement you have received on your weight loss.

Good News and Bad News

The bad news is the scale has only moved .4 pounds in over 2 weeks. The good news is that it moved down, not up. I've updated my ticker. Oh, and more good news: last Saturday I walked 5.1 miles, which is a new record for me (in the last 15 years).

Jules checks in...

Hey crew! It is the morning after the resurrection, and I am feeling like a new year has begun in my life. I haven't been posting much because I have been caught in a whirlwind of homeschooling, birthdays (Reese in March, Riley in April), starting the new weight loss group at my home, my husband changing careers and just general craziness around the Paine home. My sister-in-law moved in with us almost 3 months ago and that has affected my life as well. Lots of emotional opportunities around here for me to get caught up in (and eat with). The good news is that I have maintained my weight loss with diligence. I have had to be really determined to watch myself. The bummer is I am still that 1.8 or 1.4 lbs away from breaking into the 150's. I have been hovering here now for a long time. I have had to focus so much on just the maintenance part of my weight loss (not getting caught up in the sorrow of other's lives or the celebrations) that I have not had the extra gumption to go anywhere beyond that. But that is all apart of life, I suppose.
I have been visiting the Y about 3 times a week, rarely missing my yoga class, but I know that my body needs more than this. I went on such a beautiful spring walk the other day with Mandi, I was inspired to keep the exercise factor up in my life. Kristina and Lisa and Amy are very inspirational in the workout side of life. Thanks, girls. And Jennifer, you are really an encouragement as far as the weight loss goes. Good for you, girl!
Well, that is about it. I am looking forward to the spring and summer. Ready to challenge myself and have fun with my family. I will try to post more often. Love to all.

(pictures are of me making Easter dinner for 19)
Jules