An Apology Out of the Blue (from the wrong person)

Ladies, please tell me what you think about this.

Several years ago (5ish), I dated this guy who was, and there really is no other more polite way to say this, a shit. He was personable and good looking, but he was one of those people who thought way too well of themselves, was very judgmental of other people, and could not understand why someone might not be appreciative if he pointed out what he thought to be their flaws and then told them how they ought to go about fixing themselves.

For example, he used to routinely tell me "you'd feel better if you lost weight" (or about a dozen variations thereon) when I neither felt bad nor when my weight was the legitimate topic of conversation. When finally I had had enough of this and told him that I neither needed his commentary nor welcomed it, he couldn't understand why or how he had hurt my feelings. Then he held it against me whenever he brought it up again because he felt I was being irrational. This wasn't the only problem, but for whatever reason the whole thing dragged on WAY too long.*

*And for laughs, I'll include the last part - when I finally told him it was over and I was out, he was SO FAR offbase that he produced a ring he had purchased a few weeks prior with which he intended to propose. He just couldn't fathom that someone wouldn't want him.

If I were significantly overweight, I might be able to maybe just a teensy bit and totally grudgingly understand (if not accept) such commentary, but my BMI has never been more than 10 pounds outside of my target range. Ever. But anyway, it ended and I felt so relieved and went on to date truly wonderful men who thought and think that I am way too good for them and I didn't give this guy much thought after that.

But today at lunch I got an email from his brother in law out of state. I met the BIL several times and we got along well and he was a really nice guy and friends with the former boyfriend but I haven't heard from BIL since I left, years ago. The email said that they had gotten in a fight last year and hadn't spoken since and while he was angry, he thought about some of the things he really didn't like about my ex-boyfriend, and I came up. He said he had been thinking about it for a long time and that he couldn't shake that he owed me an apology for not standing up to his friend when he saw how I was being treated because he knew the boyfriend was being entirely an ass and that I was fine just as I was.

I told him that I appreciated the sentiment and that it wasn't his responsibility to make things better at the time, but I'm a little taken aback by the apology.

This is so coincidental after Kristina's post yesterday, but this has gotten me thinking about the effect of some of the lousy things people have said to me about my weight/figure/body:

1) I have seized on the parts of my body that I do love - like my eyes, my collarbones, my waist, my athletic build.

2) I have learned to value the parts of me that are not on the outside all the more. If someone is going to imply that they don't like how you look, you find yourself listing the other reasons why they must like you. Because I'm bright, I laugh easily, I have a really diverse range of interest, I am comfortable with who I am, and on occasion I can be witty.

3) I have learned to shrug off people who make discouraging or disparaging comments. Just reminding yourself that you are worth being loved even if people make comments like that make it so much easier to shrug off the same comments if they happen again.

4) I've learned that, no matter what the basis, the problem is seldom with me, but with whoever has made the comment. I can be angry, but I refuse to take someone else's problems personally.

5) I have learned that the people who make such comments either completely fail to realize how hurtful they're being, or they realize exactly how hurtful they're being (which heads back to number 4).

So I don't see an apology by the brother in law to be necessary. I am fine with who I am and, if anything, the ex-boyfriend's comments just made me love myself more, just as I am.